Chyna: Warrior Princess - The Egyptian Saga
by Rocket-Strife
Summary: The Fifth Saga. Chyna follows Jericho to Egypt, leaving Kitty and X-Pac in Greece. Staying there proves more difficult. (Now complete!)
1. Default Chapter

Chyna: Warrior Princess  
  
Episode XV: Egyptian Affliction!  
  
Disclaimer: The characters here are all property of Titan Sports and Vince, and no copyright infringement is intended. This story contains coarse language, but you probably know that by now.  
  
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for hero. She was Chyna, a mighty she-male forged in the heat of low-blows. The power, the passion, the danger.her courage will change the world!  
  
As you may recall from our previous saga, Chyna is once more the champion of the Cosmos, after she defeated Syxx in a very hyped up arena filled with the people of Greece, cheering on the combatants with their complimentary turnip and beer in this grasp, wagering their pitiful possessions in this all out battle of good Vs. evil. It was really quite a beautiful moment.Oh, and the fact Chyna experienced a disturbing vision of her own death, but who knows.it might have been the combination of Loko weed and cheap swill.  
  
The camp fire crackled in the moonlight as Kitty rolled over into the scrub, giggling inanely and slapping her thigh. Chyna just sat there and stared at her lunatic sidekick as she attempted to regain composure, but once again fell to laughter and flopped back down, clutching at her sides. Road Dogg squinted at her through the smoke of the flames, but Chyna, tired and not really in the mood for Kitty's ultimate stupidity, withdrew one of her well sculpted arms which she had folded in her lap, and clotheslined Kitty even further into the trees.  
  
"Kitty, really, it's not that funny!" Road Dogg interjected, raising his finger knowingly. Kitty struggled to her knees, and still snorting slightly, took her seat next to the Warrior Princess. "Mr. Ass has taken the kingdom and joined it with his own.I think it's quite serious actually, having that numb skull anywhere near my palatial palace.  
  
"Oooh, but it's the WAY it occurred that just cracks me up!" Kitty sniggered. "Hee hee hee."  
  
"Oh shut the hell up." Road Dogg snapped, flicking back one of his mud encrusted dreadlocks from his mud encrusted face. "I mean, he took the Syxx thing way to literally.he still reckons it was X-Pac who offered him the damn deal!"  
  
"Obviously so." Chyna sighed, staring the very dirty Road Dogg up and down. "But to be defeated by mud?"  
  
"Have you ever seen an assault of mud, huh?!" He growled; Chyna looked at him straight forwardly and he continued. "These missiles really, really hurt! And, might I say, if he just stuck to the flinging of the filth, I would have had a fair to good chance to beating the asshole.but no! He had to do it, didn't he? He had to do it!"  
  
"Do what?" Kitty asked inquisitively. Road Dogg groaned and clutched at his head.  
  
"Well, as I fled from this mud thing with X-Pac, I look up and see this thing that looks like a flying dog. So I say.'is that a flying dog?' and X- Pac goes, yeah, a catapulted."  
  
".A flying catapult?" Kitty said, bewildered. Road Dogg rolled his eyes in frustration.  
  
"A flying catapult?!" He moaned and rolled backwards into the scrub. His voice sounded, irritated, from the bush. "No Kitty, it was not a flying catapult. It was a fucking dead cow."  
  
"How the hell did you mistake a cow for a catapult.?"  
  
Chyna very hastily unfolded both arms and smacked Kitty in the back of the skull, sending her careening face first into the forest floor. Road Dogg grinned from where he was lying, then continued with his tale.  
  
"Yes, he catapulted an entire herd of dead cattle into my palace, my crops, and into Aysa. They were huge and they smelt nasty.I was defeated."  
  
"Well, since you put it like that, I can kinda understand why you're pissed." Chyna commented, looking unperturbed at Kitty lying next to her. "He really is an asshole."  
  
"I'm glad you see this whole thing from my point of view." He said, sitting up and leaning backwards. "And I'm figuring the High Council aint gonna help me on this one, so I guess I've gotta move."  
  
"Move?!" Kitty bolted up, her back stiff as a board. "You mean, your just letting him win!?"  
  
"Well Kitty, as much as I love the smell of dead cow in the morning, I think it's probably for the best." Road Dogg stared at the stars as he spoke. "The time has come for better things, Warrior Princess! The D- Generate Kingdom was a crappy little hell hole and the time has come for me to seek bigger and better commodities than a bright green palace, a weedy second in command, and the damn shit I go through to keep the place with Vince. The D-Generates are no more."  
  
"Wow."Kitty sighed, wiping away a tear. "But.a world without the D- Generates is."  
  
"Probably better off." Chyna stated flatly, rolling over on her blankets; her contribution to this conservation was over. "Nighty night."  
  
***  
  
As the sun rose higher in the sky in the gentle morn, the Warrior Princess, her Bardic Sidekick, Lord No-More and her demonic pony wandered into a small ocean village on the border of the WWF Realm. The smell of the docks was really quite over powering as merchants rushed about attempting to sell their seafood falafels and seaweed cakes, screeching with their painfully loud fishmonger voices about the specials of the day. Chyna rolled her eyes and forcefully removed a particularly weedy little man with a large basket of crayfish and made her way to a nearby inn, where X-Pac was instructed to meet them.  
  
"What now, Road Dogg?" Kitty asked, her eyes wide, clutching at her staff tightly. Road Dogg munched thoughtfully on his breakfast fishcake with the chewiest seaweed in town.  
  
"I think I will try adventure! Road Dogg warrior Prince has a nice ring, don't it? I could roam the lands, doing good wherever I want, with X-Pac as my sidekick, fighting with a.little stick."  
  
"What are you really gonna do, Road Dogg?"  
  
"I have no fucking idea." He moaned, clutching at his cranium as they followed the Warrior Princess into the seedy seaside establishment, where lots of great big salty warriors hurled themselves about the room with great gusto. It became apparent quite immediately that Chyna had encountered yet another fine bar brawl, and cracking her knuckles; hopped to it.  
  
Flipping across the tables she landed upon the shoulders of a big hairy seaman, and giving a series of little Chyna shrieks began to smack a plate into his nose, before rolling rather gracefully back upon the floor and striking a pair of nasty men with an even nastier scissor kick. Kitty let out a wail and charged through the room, her staff at the ready, whacking the warriors left right and centre as she gallabounded through the filthy tavern; Road Dogg also festively attended the battle with a hell of a lot gyrating punches that could rival the punches made famous by Rocky. Chyna continued her fight, taking possession two large lobsters and wielding them with much warrior skill, flinging them much like her mighty chakram; she flipped upon the table, lifted her lobster, and spoke;  
  
"Who started this?!" She demanded, glaring nastily at all the patrons. Immediately they all parted like a certain holy sea, and in the centre of this corrupted area, laid a very badly bedraggled X-Pac. Chyna raised an eyebrow, Road Dogg sighed and Kitty gasped audibly, before rushing to the Little Green D-Generate and giving his head a good shaking in order to encourage consciousness.  
  
"Ooooh X-Pac!" She cried, as his head lolled from side to side with wild abandon. "What foul beastie could ever contemplate beating an innocent like you? Speak to me!!!" She dropped him and fell to a swoon; Chyna strode forward, and taking grasp of Paccy's hair, she lifted him with her sculpted arm. He was a little wobbly on his feet, but then with a little glint of determination in his eye he thrust his sword back into his scabbard and did a few small and pathetic crotch chops.  
  
"Ha! That's it scum!" He said, much too quietly for the nasty men actually to hear him. "Run.run and be afraid."  
  
"X-Pac, you give our ex-kingdom a bad name!" Road Dogg snapped, crossing his arms indignantly. "What did you hope to achieve?!"  
  
".They didn't believe in my warriorness." He said, his eyes darting about nervously as he gripped the hilt of his weapon. "I was telling the epic of the Big Show, and."  
  
"Hey!" Kitty snapped, driving her staff into the floor. "You can't just go telling that anywhere! I've got copyright to that!" X-Pac rolled his eyes painfully.  
  
"Hey, I was only telling the bit where I kicked ass, alright?!"  
  
".You mean the part that culminated in Chyna's death?"  
  
"Yeah, that's the one." He paused, rubbed his hand through his hair, and continued; "Anyway, I was saying how I've come into this battle and started whompin and stompin the Big Show with my trusty."  
  
"Frying pan." Road Dogg interjected.  
  
"Yes.frying pan, and how I was kicking ass and then he took a nasty tumble.and I shoved Kitty out of the way and everyone was happy!" He grinned disarmingly; Chyna flicked him in the head.  
  
"You little weed." She growled. "DO NOT take my credit, you little bastard. Or I'll 'you know what' you'." She moved his fist in a very suggestive, thrusting upwards manner; X-Pac gulped and scurried back behind Kitty. The Warrior Princess, giving X-Pac one final snarly scowl, then took her seat on one of the long, oak tables and, raising her mighty finger, ordered her ale whilst X-Pac plonked his skinny green ass down opposite of her and began munching on some possum stew. And for a short while, everything passed uneventfully; X-Pac munched, Kitty wrote, Chyna drank and Road Dogg lamented.until a loud disturbance outside brought Chyna to her feet.  
  
"Chyna!" Kitty squealed as the Warrior Princess backflipped out the door, splattering the young bard with beer. Kitty and the pair of rag tags rushed from their seats to follow the fierce woman, who was bolting towards the docks at warped speeds, her teeth clenched and her jaw set with the gait of Nicole Bassius. Small little seamen rushed about; one ran to Chyna, and falling to his knees, wailed to her;  
  
"Waaaaaah.my ship, my ship! He has stolen my ship!"  
  
Chyna grabbed the little pitiful man by the collar and flung him away; snarling, she jogged mightily to the jetty, where the ship was departing very quickly indeed. She stood proud and tall as the wind whipped about her leather clad brick shit house of a body, where, by squinting, she managed to peer quite well onto the deck of the stolen vessel. The sea was angry that day, like the Undertaker receiving a hell bent low blow to his oh-so spiritual balls, but it did not matter; Chyna growled viciously, turned to the little seamen and screamed;  
  
"WE SAIL!!!!!"  
  
For Chris Jericho was on that ship.and he was escaping.  
  
***  
  
"Chyna, how can you be SURE it was Jericho?" Kitty said, in a very whiny tone of voice, as Chyna played about with the rigging of her complimentary ship.. "I mean, come on! That boat was like, getting out there, and the sea was pretty rough. And there ARE other blond men around you know!"  
  
"Kitty, it was him, I know it was him, and don't question me." She muttered back, as she turned and observed her tiny crew of sailors. "Road Dogg, get your ass down to the bridge.Kitty, X-Pac, get off."  
  
"Huh?!" Kitty said very hastily. "Whaddaya mean, get off?!"  
  
"What I mean is.get off my ship!" She looked most frightful this day. "I am going to pursue Jericho, it will be far to dangerous for you and Mr. Incompetence over there, so you will depart my ship and await my return."  
  
"Why does Road Dogg get the special privileges, eh?!" X-Pac demanded snottily. Road Dogg's head popped out from below the deck.  
  
"Coz I'm always kickin that shiznit DAWGEE STYLE!"  
  
"Like THAT'S a reason." Kitty snapped back. "She's only doing it preserve your masculinity!"  
  
"My masculinity it damn fine!" He shot back at her, his head developing a rather pretty red hue. Chyna sighed and propelled him back to his quarters with a shove to the forehead, then turned back to her sidekick.  
  
"I will be back in a few days.the people here say he's heading towards Egypt. I remember the Fates saying something about Jericho pulling off a big upset there, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to stop him." She placed a hand on her friend's shoulder. "I can handle this without you."  
  
Chyna pulled away, and Kitty retreated back to the dock, X-Pac trotting behind her, his sword in his grasp, directing people away from the scene of the Warrior Woman departing. Kitty scowled impetuously as she stepped off the ship and back onto the wooden, water slicked surface of the jetty as Chyna and Road Dogg cast off and begun sailing away.  
  
"Nothing to see here!!!" X-Pac shouted, as he bounded past Kitty, waving his weapon above his head. Kitty growled most nastily, and grabbing the Little Green D-Generate by his jocks, dragged him off, through the crowd and back towards the tavern. X-Pac yelped and flapped his arms, but Kitty was in no mood for his little whinings, and entering the seedy, salty bar, she shoved his ass onto a chair with force she didn't even know she had.  
  
"What's up your nose, huh?!" X-Pac demanded, pushing his sword back into the scabby looking scabbard dangling loosely at his waist. "So what if you can't go on this little joy ride to Egypt, huh? The water over there is worse than the Spartan kind! Plus, they'll probably try and recruit you for that new building project they're doing over there.what are these things called again.pointy-mids? Anyway, what's the big attraction to Jericho.the guy is an asshole! I think you're."  
  
"Shut up." Kitty snarled, hitting him across the head with a nearby beer mug. "It's the principal of the thing.she doesn't think I can handle it! She thinks I'm some pathetic little girl! Well I'm not! I'm not!!!" She stood up, flicking a strand of black hair from her face, and lifting her staff in a long sweeping motion, she cleared the bar of a hell of a lot of bottles. They crashed to the floor in a splatter of glass and cheap alcohol, X-Pac sprung to his feet, the bar keep's eyes narrowed.  
  
"Oooooh." X-Pac said slowly. "Now you've done it."  
  
"You horrible little wench!" The Bar keep screamed, but Kitty just screeched right back, and smacked him in the head with a bottle that had somehow survived the fall. X-Pac gulped, Kitty took a stance, and all the seedy drinkers were back on their feet for part two of the brawl; they charged the young bard all at once with great force indeed. Kitty squealed and begun madly whacking them all on the head with her staff as X-Pac ran for cover underneath a table, screeching madly at Kitty.  
  
"Do something! Do something!" He shouted at her, as perhaps the largest nasty boy of them all charged towards the table, and with an almighty grunt, flipped the heavy oaken piece of furniture. It flew into the mud brick wall and with an almighty crash, and soared right on through it in a cloud of dust and debris; X-Pac was exposed! Like a hermit crab ripped from it's shell he attempted to crawl for some other form of cover, but alas, it was futile. As he headed for the gaping hole in the wall, the huge seaman gripped both of his legs, lifted him up and swung him; he swung him hard and fast and released him, smack bang into Kitty. She shrieked as they both smacked into the grog splattered floor in a flurry up arms and legs, her staff poking Paccy inhumanely up the ass as they made contact with the hard ground. He wailed and flailed; she began to whimper little curses, but the pissed warriors weren't done yet!!!  
  
"You stupid little bitch!!!" A huge hairy seaman shouted, picking Kitty up by the hair. He turned to one of his particularly ugly accomplices. "Bossman.make a fire!"  
  
Bossman sniggered and complied, scooping up bits of broken furniture. Kitty gulped; "Fire?!"  
  
"This enough wood Albert?"  
  
"That's Prince Albert to you!"  
  
"Forgive me your highness!"  
  
Prince Albert spun on another brawler; "Bull, tie these snot pustules up good and tight! We're having a B.B.Q!"  
  
"I thought we were gonna have a Prawn and Porn night, not a bloody B.B.Q!" Bull Buccahnan whined. Prince Albert slapped him across the back of the head and begun grunting again, so Bull squeaked pathetically and complied in tying up the pair of would be heroes. X-Pac's eyes darted about in terror and he struggled against his restraints, knocking Kitty about on the other side of him.  
  
"B.B.Q?!" He shrieked, as Kitty madly began elbowing him to stop his hysterical wiggling. "Argh! They're cannibals! They're gonna eat us! Waaaaaaaa, I'm too young and pretty to die!"  
  
"Shut up and let me think!" She snapped viciously, repeatedly elbowing him in the back. "Stop moving dammit!" But he would not and with a mighty whump, they both smacked into the floor, still bound together. Kitty began swearing silently as she laid in a pool of grog; X-Pac was now sobbing, as the three cannibals threw the wood into a large pile, Prince Albert striking two pieces of flint with a very disturbing smile.  
  
"Come on Kitty, think, think, think!" The young bard said to herself, as she leaned against X-Pac, his sword's hilt now poking her in the back. Sword? With a triumphant grin as the idea struck her, she began to attempt to maneuver her arm into X-Pac's scabbard, and gripping something she believed was his weapon.  
  
"Kitty." X-Pac said very carefully. "Why is your hand in my crotch?"  
  
"Gaaaaaaaa!" Kitty screeched, withdrawing her hand very hastily. "I want your sword, dammit!"  
  
"Yes, well I kinda figured that."  
  
"No, your real metally bladey sword!!! Dickweed!" Kitty snapped. "We can cut through the ropes and escape!"  
  
"Ooooooh." X-Pac grinned knowingly. "Well if I just kinda move like this than you can just reach.yes that's it."  
  
Kitty and X-Pac were barely a cohesive unit, but Kitty finally managed to curl her fingers around the hilt of the weapon. Gripping it as tightly as the bad angling of her arm would allow, she prepared to wrench it out when.  
  
"Dinner time!" Bull said happily as he lifted the pair of them up, Kitty losing grip of their last chance. She began muttering unprintable obscenities and X-Pac began to sob once more as they were carried towards the flames; Kitty was now prepared to try anything, and body thrusting with all her might, she loosened one of her legs to the extent where she could kick Bull very hard in the balls. Repeatedly. And so, seeing this as a final chance of escape, she did so.  
  
"Ooooooooohhhhh.." Buchannan wailed, flinging the bound together duo onto the floor, where they landed heavily and in the debris of the broken bottles; Kitty quick as anything managed to take possession of a large shard of glass, and working quickly, managed to cut her restraints free. She leapt up, leaving X-Pac lying prone upon the floor, and quickly snatching up her fallen staff, she lunged at Prince Albert and begun madly beating him across the back and then up the ass. He growled dangerously but Kitty did not care, and she repeatedly low blowed him with the weapon with as much skill as any Warrior Princess. Bossman approached, Kitty looked up from her strenuous beating, and flung a beer mug in his direction; it smacked him in the forehead and knocked him cold. X-Pac looked up painfully at Kitty driving the blunt end of her staff into Albert's stomach on the ground, and rolling to one side, made the decsion he was now going to free himself and depart. Unfortunately it was a badly calculated roll, because he had rolled right into the B.B.Q area. The flames were dangerously close, but using some common sense, he managed to flick a bit of burning wood onto his restraints.and voila! He was free! And with as little scorching as possible! He bounded up, crotch chopped a bit.noticed that all three cannibals were back on their feet; and fled. Kitty gulped and followed through the smashed up door, the three warriors not far behind.  
  
***  
  
"Kitttttttty.!" X-Pac screamed as they jogged across the dock, the three angry seamen chasing them. "Can you swim?!"  
  
"Why!?" Kitty snapped.  
  
"Well.because in my experience.docks end in lots of damn WATER!"  
  
"Ah." Kitty hitched her bouncing scroll bag up her shoulder. "That is a sticky one." Running harder, and suddenly having another idea, she grabbed X-Pac's skinny arm and taking a huge run up, flung herself over the edge.  
  
"ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" X-Pac screamed as they flew over the water and crashed into a small boat; the occupant looked at them both in shock but Kitty was barely in the mood to be polite, and, snatching the paddle from his grasp, she took grip of his shirt and flung him into the water. Taking possession of the other paddle she began rowing madly, the wind picking up and blasting the sail. Within minutes they were out of reach of the cannibals, which stood on the jetty, hopping up and down madly. Breathing a sigh of relief, X-Pac laid back in the small boat as Kitty rowed hard to get as much distance as she could from that cursed little marine town.  
  
"How do you feel about a little trip to Egypt?" Kitty said flatly, as she rowed. X-Pac raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Now hang on.are you sure Chyna wants you following her there?"  
  
"Of course she does!" Kitty snapped. "Now sit over there.way way way over there!"  
  
***  
  
Chyna maneuvered the ship very neatly into the Cairo docks; throwing the anchor overboard, she grabbed the highly seasick Road Dogg from where he was standing.and swaying, and made her heroic first steps onto land.and heaps of burny sand. Road Dogg moaned painfully and grasped at his churning stomach, but the Warrior Princess did not care, and with powerful, warrior strides, she walked into the filthy little fly infested city.  
  
"So where the hell do we start looking?!" Road Dogg demanded, flicking his hand rapidly at a swarm of hungry looking Marsh Flies. "He's just not going to pop out of the crowd and shout 'here I am Chyna! Kill me! Kill me!' now is he??"  
  
"I'm aware." Chyna growled. "I have a plan."  
  
"Oh goody, we've only been here 20 seconds and she's already thought of a way to kill me! Brilliant."  
  
Chyna turned; raised an eyebrow.and hammered the Dogg with a very vindictive low blow. He wailed, she shrugged, and continued with a hint of a smile;  
  
"As I was saying, I have a plan." She paused, but no further snipey comments were to come from the Road Kill Jesse Jammes today. "We will simply set him up.a nice little trap. Knowing Jericho, he won't be able to resist the urge for easy wealth, so we will simply leave a large fortune heavily UN-guarded. Then when he comes to take the bait.we strike."  
  
"Oooh." Road Dogg was still clutching at his juiced grapefruits.  
  
"I'm glad you agree." She turned and started walking towards a large temple in the centre of the town square, Road Dogg limping behind her. "Now.all we need is a small fortune."  
  
"Did I hear someone say 'fortune?'"  
  
Both Chyna and Road Dogg turned at the alien voice; she stood behind them, blonde, busty and extremely scantily clad. She smiled.and through all that heavy makeup, her smile was terrifying.  
  
"Allow me to introduce myself." Her smile barely moved as she spoke. "My name is Trish Stratuspatra, and I am the high priestess to the Goddess Luna."  
  
"Hey, aint Luna a lowly Fate?" Road Dogg whispered sharply; Chyna kneed him sharply.  
  
Trish, raising both eyebrows, continued; "I am the High Priestess of the temple you stand before.our scared Goddess of Egypt whom my family has served for many generations. If it's a fortune you're after, to rid us of that rogue Jericho, you may take whatever is left from our temple.what he didn't get away with."  
  
"You mean he's already started cleaning house?!" Dogg said quickly. "He don't waste much time!"  
  
"Yes, he arrived in my temple pretending to be a pilgrim fresh from Greece.and instead, he took us for almost everything we had!" She threw her head back in a tragic gesture of woe. "All except my secret stash of family wealth in the crypt underneath the temple floors. There is much there that I and the other priestess' had squirreled away.I'm sure it would be enough to persuade him into our trap!"  
  
"Well, it sounds pretty promising." Chyna said, her hands on her hips.  
  
"But how will we advertise it to him?" Road Dogg asked thoughtfully; the voluptuous Trish gave another scary smile.  
  
"Never fear man childe.I have an idea." She paused to prop up her large metallic bra. "But for now, come back to my temple, dine, rest. You are honored guests, and I assure you, I will brief you on my idea later." She began walking towards the temple, and beckoned he hand. "Come."  
  
Road Dogg followed her hastily, shuffling through the sand towards the large building; Chyna tilted her head in a Kane like fashion.but then followed, her hand resting lightly on her Chakram.  
  
***  
  
Kitty groaned as she yanked mightily at the heavy boat, he feet slipping on the water slick sand of the Cairo shore, the afternoon sun beating down upon her head mercilessly. With a cry she exerted much bodily force upon the craft, but instead of shifting it she just slipped and fell flat on her ass. X-Pac bounded up the beach towards her lying in the sand, and, taking a small stick, poked her; she screeched and with a quick movement from her leg, kicked him very hard in the shins.  
  
"Ow!!!" He shrieked, hopping about on one leg. "You little pain in the ass!"  
  
"Huh, like I'm the one who's being the pain." She retorted accusingly, struggling to her feet, covered in brown, muddy silt. "Well don't just stand there!" She flicked him in the head for the umpteenth time. "Help me drag the boat in you runt of a Centaur's litter!"  
  
X-Pac clenched his teeth, stomped his foot, and gave her a nasty glare; but she simply grabbed him by the hair and flung him into their transport; it was convincing enough, and now inclined to drag the thing, he did so, struggling feebly against it's weight. The pair of them heaved the encumbrance up the beach, and when Kitty was satisfied they had got it far enough as so it would not be carried it with the tide, she began gathering much seaweed and shells; X-Pac stared blankly at her as she did so.  
  
".Kitty." He said, looking at her hard. "Why the fuck are you collecting 'the treasures of the sea'?!"  
  
"I'm gonna cover the boat with them so it will look more natural." She replied, flinging a large piece of kelp over the top of it. "It won't look so much like a boat, so it won't get stolen."  
  
"There aren't any people for miles!!!" He cried, waving his arm about in random directions. "And it doesn't look like a boat.it looks like a boat with a whole lot of shit on it!!! It looks as natural as Steve Austin in a lesbian Tavern!!!"  
  
Kitty looked slightly hurt; she flung down her armful of seaweed, shells and crabs, and starting stomping up the beach. "Fine! We'll just leave it there. Come on!" She jogged up the thick brown sand dunes, falling rapidly but bounding right back up again, getting more and more of the gluggy, gritty substance all over herself. Reaching the top of a particularly steep dune, she stopped to await X-Pac, who was struggling almost painfully up the huge hill of sand; Kitty crossed her arms and sighed, X-Pac battled further towards her, she smirked, he yelped as he fell.and barreled into the hapless bard.  
  
"Gaaaaaaa!" The both screamed in unison as they tumbled roughly down the other side of the prominence in the sand; Kitty gripped tightly on X-Pac little green trunks, his armor clanking terribly as they thundered down the beach, their weapons, arms and legs flailing in all directions as left a huge dented trail in the mud behind them. If anybody HAD been there to witness the strange spectacle, they probably would have been most surprised at the blend of green and brown shooting down the hill, the wails of both of them creating a most banshee like cry, the force they were both hitting the ground simply amazing, considering their respective sizes.  
  
'WHUMP!' they both hit the bottom tremendously, X-Pac's head lolling about much like it had in the tavern that very morning, Kitty struggling about, a huge brown mess, her hair a caked blob of sand and small native sea grasses. Flinging her head back and sending the muck flying in all directions, she quickly decided to make her exit as gracefully as possible after that decidedly degenerate tumble; but as she went to move she found that she was unable to; trapped! Gazing down, she had hit the ground with such a force she implanted waist deep in the thick mud, and that thick mud just happened to be a pit of quicksand!.  
  
"Oooooh." X-Pac moaned, thrashing his arms about groggily. "Now you've done it!"  
  
Kitty turned; she glared most reprehensibly, and she spoke;  
  
"I hate you."  
  
***  
  
Road Dogg nibbled happily on the little Egyptian pasties which had been served up by the most hospitable Stratuspatra; Chyna leaned back against her chair, her long athletic legs propped up on a stool. She sipped her wine, and had to admit, this was pleasant, but she was becoming impatient; she wanted to get her hands of Jericho's pin head, push it into her biceps, and suffocate him. Placing her goblet back on the food laden table, and straddling the chair in a most unladylike manner, she spoke;  
  
"I do appreciate all this Trish." She began, leaning her elbows on the back rest of the seat. "But, I would really like to hear about your plans for eliminating the little asshole, thank you very much."  
  
"Oh, but of course." Trish said with her smile. Road Dogg looked slightly put out. "The plan is quite simple but effective. We place all the treasure in a Temple viewing area; badly guarded of course, and offer the Temple as a gallery for a day. When he comes in to make off with it, as he will, he will fall straight into the trap."  
  
"Hang on." Road Dogg raised a finger. "What if someone else makes off with this 'badly guarded treasure' before Jericho even gets to it, huh? Then what to we do?"  
  
"The people would not dare defy a goddess, Man Childe." Trish sighed, leaning forward to take a small morsel of food and giving the Dogg a very lengthy view of cleavage which was wider than the Nile. He gulped; Chyna rolled her eyes. "Only a rogue like Jericho would be stupid enough to steal from a Temple, he's already proved that."  
  
"Uh huh." Road Dogg drooled. Chyna, tut tutting, stood to her full height, stared at him, then took grip of his dreadlocks and dragged him out of his seat.  
  
"Let's get to work then." She stared at him with a very grim smile, and moved her fist suggestively for the second time that day; he was out that door like a shot. She grinned as she followed him out the door, Trish regarded her with a sigh and a pout. But Chyna gave a small satisfied laugh;  
  
"Still got it."  
  
***  
  
X-Pac's sobbing was now really getting on Kitty's nerves.and if she was able to reach him, she would have smacked him. Groaning, she searched about for something that could aid her escape.her saddle bag filled with her scrolls and basic everyday items laid feet from her grasp; but looking beyond it, she noticed something far more useful than the bag alone; a protruding stump just outside the pit she was entrapped in. she turned to the wailing little D-Generate.  
  
"Look!" She said, loudly. "Shut up and stop struggling for a damn minute; pass me my staff."  
  
He looked at her wide eyed, his lip a quiver, but snapping from his hysteria faster than what was normal for him, he stretched his body as far as the sand would allow, and curling his fingers around the weapon, managed to take a grip of it and pass it to Kitty. She grabbed it quickly.  
  
"Right." Stretching the length of the long pole to the bag, she carefully and precisely hooked the end of it into the strap and dragged the bag into her grasp. Reaching into the bag and fossicking about, she pulled out just what she wanted; a small knife for peeling fruit.  
  
"Cutlery." X-Pac said very flatly indeed. "I'm putting my life in the hands of cutlery."  
  
"Oh shut up," Kitty snapped, interrupting him mid whine. "I see you've got some leather twine on your little green armor thingie. So get it off your little green armor thingie and into my hand!"  
  
".Oh alright." X-Pac said hastily, working quickly at the fastenings on his armor and trunks and handing Kitty the long piece of leather. Kitty snatched it from him hurriedly, sinking fast, and tied the small fruit knife to the end of her weapon. With a small prayer and a hefty javelin throw that was nothing on Nicole Bassius, but certainly enough to save their little lives, she implanted the blade into the stump with a loud 'THUNK!' X-Pac began sweating profusely as he sunk deeper and deeper, his arms barely free; but Kitty, with an almighty wrench and a grunt, pulled upon the staff and slowly began emerge from the pit with a loud slurp. Crawling on her stomach she rolled from the quicksand, and flung the staff to X-Pac; he grabbed it, she yanked with all her might, and he was clear!  
  
"Thank the Gods." He gasped, rolling about on solid land. Kitty scowled.  
  
"I think a 'thank you Kitty' would be more appreciated." She stopped mid sentence. "Argh! My scrolls!"  
  
She stared into the pit, her precious bag sitting in the middle, oh so slowly submerging into that cursed mud. But X-Pac, feeling most righteous at the moment, snatched Kitty's staff, planted it into the ground and with a small cry, whizzed around on it, his body out stretched like a delicate pirouette by Hunter; he snatched the bag, flew right on back, lost control, and crashed into the ground, clutching at the bag most lovingly. Kitty's eyes widened at X-Pac's sudden benevolent moment, and she knelt by him, still dripping with gritty filth.  
  
"Well, a simple 'thank you' would have done just fine." And she smiled. "But anyway.you're welcome."  
  
***  
  
Road Dogg fiddled about with a golden bowl of small sparkly emeralds, as Chyna placed large statues around the entrance, shifting them with wondrous ease with her great big muscles. The sun was slowly setting, the time was ripe from a robbery from Jericho, as Road Dogg had been subtly advertising about the town that there was a large and very available 'treasures of the temple museum' that day, and it just so happened that the guards worked two jobs and so couldn't be there at night. Chyna's smile was most self satisfied indeedy.  
  
"Right." She turned and grabbed Road Dogg by the scruff of the neck, causing him to whimper piteously. "Let's go, idiot."  
  
And inside the temple they crept, taking their positions quickly. Road Dogg was hurriedly clad in a toga, dusted with flour, and mounted as a statue of Sable complete with watermelon mammary glands and a blond wig. He held the pose shakily as Chyna crept to the rear and enclosed herself within a sarcophogus; and, as the moon appeared in the sky.they waited.  
  
Road Dogg's eyes widened as the doors slowly opened, and there, peeking his sniveling little head around the door.was Chris Jericho! He giggled to himself and gaily skipped across the room, helping himself to the small dish of emeralds and shoving the little rocks down his tight trousers. Then he caught a glimpse of 'Sable'.  
  
"God damn. I never realized that bitch was so freaking ugly!" He commented quietly to himself, circling Road Dogg with a raised eyebrow. Road Dogg struggled to maintain his pose as Jericho approached, snatching up one of these horrible little pointy Tori statues, and circling the Dogg, scratching his chin in deep thought. "Still, the thing will probably fetch a few dinars in Greece." Shoving his booty in a bag, he wrapped his arms around 'Sable's' midsection and dragging him down from the pillar with a grunt, mistakenly gripping at the Goddess's oh-so holy pelvic region during his efforts. He froze.  
  
"Ow!" Road Dogg shrieked, grabbing at his balls and falling on the floor in a pathetic heap. Jericho blinked rapidly, his lip beginning to quibble, as out from the sarcophogus sprung the Warrior Princess herself, stepping lightly over her whimpering accomplice, her eyes narrowed viciously.  
  
"Jericho." She snarled.  
  
"She-male woman from the Olympics!!!" Jericho thought for a moment, "Sorry, I've forgotten your name. Oh yes. Chyna."  
  
"How could your forget the name, when you're bound to remember that seven inch gash she leaves in your forehead." Road Dogg moaned supportively. Chyna nodded, cracked her knuckles, and began to stride forward.  
  
"Yup."  
  
Jericho giggled hardily, and took up a martial arts stance, preparing himself for the assualt from the warrior woman; Chyna smirked, flexed her arms, and stood before him. Immediately Jericho lashed out with a quick side kick, but yelped in horror as Chyna caught his leg with ease, holding him there, hopping in a vain attempt to escape; shrugging, Chyna fell to her knees and, with a sharp jab, her fist met up with his unguarded testicles. He wailed as she cast him down, and slowly and painfully, he made his slow crawl of escape. But it was futile-Chyna merely bent down, and grabbing him by the hair, hauled him to his feet. He stood shakily and made an attempt to bitch slap her, as it was all he could muster at this time, but as you can imagine, it had little to no effect on the fierce woman. With a hefty grunt, she grabbed him by the throat and tossed him into the wall, where he collided and slid down haplessly, making his final landing flat on his face, his hair all terribly out of place. Chyna smiled a smile that was scary and walked towards him, placing a leather clad foot on the back of his skull, bringing a groan from her blond nemesis.  
  
"You really are quite the little weed, aren't you?" She increased the pressure of her foot.  
  
"Geddoff!" Jericho's whimpered in reply.  
  
"Now why would I do that?" She proceeded to play soccer with his head.  
  
"GAH!" Was all that came from Jericho.  
  
"Chyna! Ohmigod, Chyna, I've finally found you!"  
  
Chyna heard the familiar voice, and in confusion, ceased her torture for a moment and turned to see Kitty bounding in the door, followed by X-Pac, both of them caked in something very brown and unpleasant looking. She opened her mouth to speak.  
  
"Kitty? I thought I told you."  
  
But that was all the protest against Kitty's following of her that actually made it out of her mouth, as Jericho, quick as a wink, had rolled over and kicked her in the legs, sending the Warrior Princess crashing to the floor with a 'whump'. Kitty's eyes widened as Chyna struggled to regain her footing, but Jericho, grabbing one more handful of jewels, was making a mad dash for the door, leaping over Road Dogg, shoving X-Pac into the wall, and running directly past the stunned Kitty. She suddenly felt very apprehensive, especially seeming Chyna was giving her a glare which would certainly kill a pot-plant.  
  
"Kitty." She snarled through clenched teeth.  
  
"Yes, Chyna?" She replied meekly.  
  
"Explain to me what just happened."  
  
"Er, um.well." Kitty's chin was beginning to quibble.  
  
Chyna was silent as she stood up, but her face was becoming very red, and a small vein was beginning to pop out of her forehead. Kitty, X-Pac and Road Dogg all simultaneously winced at Chyna's unfathomable rage, as she made her way towards the door.  
  
To be Continued.. 


	2. In the Tombs of Stratuspatra

Chyna: Warrior Princess  
  
Episode XVI: In the Tombs of Stratuspatra  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters here are (or were, as it may be) property of the World Wrestling Federation, Titan Sports, and Vincent. Not mine, but imagine if I DID own them…*Rubs hands together in maniacal glee*. Er…no copyright infringement intended.  
  
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Chyna, a mighty she-male forged in the heat of low- blows. The power, the passion, the danger…her courage was severely tested by Kitty's stupidity.  
  
As you may remember from the previous episode, Chyna and Road Doggy Dogg set sail towards Egypt, towards the blond weed Jericho, whom Chyna fully intended to squish into the ground with her impressively heeled boot. Leaving Kitty and X-Pac in Greece were they were apparently going to be safe was not the best of ideas however, and after a nasty tussle with some large hairy cannibalistic seamen they followed the Warrior Princess to Egypt post haste, where they managed to bugger everything up for the Warrior Woman, generally making her very, very pissed. Oh dear.  
  
***  
  
The open sea near the Cairo dock was choppy at midday, a strong wind blowing Kitty and X-Pac's kelp and silt encrusted boat into the jetty; the repeated bashings causing a large plank to be knocked from the structure and water to pour inside. Chyna raised an eyebrow.  
  
"You got to Egypt in this?" She asked in disdain. X-Pac nodded enthusiastically. He then lowered his voice to a whisper. "It was her idea to cover it in crap."  
  
"Be quiet." Kitty muttered, she and Chyna simultaneously flicking him either side of the head. X-Pac cowered behind the Road Dogg, who hadn't managed to get all the flour off yet. He was starting to look a little like Nicole Bassius; all he needed was a large quantity of olive oil. Chyna looked up as she heard footsteps, the noble and half naked Trish Stratuspatra approaching.  
  
"Who's that?" Kitty asked in a whisper.  
  
"It's one of these Sable impersonators." X-Pac replied knowingly. Chyna shot him a look, and then blasted him with a very vindictive low blow. He fell to the ground with a horrified look.  
  
"Chyna, all went well I presume?" She said with her wide and scary smile. Chyna's face remained stony, her eyes focused on Kitty with a vicious glare. Kitty gulped.  
  
"No." Chyna replied, her teeth so clenched you could hear them squeak. "Time for plan beta."  
  
"What's plan beta?" Road Dogg asked curiously. He was landed with the same move she had hit on his weedy second in command only moments ago.  
  
"Plan beta is that I lay the smackdown on Jericho's ass." Chyna replied matter of factly, stepping over X-Pac and Road Dogg on the ground. "Too bad I left Hunter in Greece, I'd really love to ride him full bore across the desert just to see the expression on his face."  
  
"Hunter?" Trish Stratuspatra inquired.  
  
"Her ex sidekick, brother, part time lover and pony." Kitty filled in, pulling a scroll out of her scroll bag. "Would you like to read the Saga of the Undertaker? It's a doozy!"  
  
Chyna looked exasperated. "Be quiet!"  
  
***  
  
"It's hot." X-Pac complained, sinking in the saddle of his rather disagreeable looking camel. Kitty, who was following a few feet behind, cursed silently that her fists were so out of reach of the little green pain in the ass. He looked behind him, awkwardly shifting in the saddle. "Where's Road Dogg?"  
  
"About a mile behind us." Kitty replied with a sigh. "He hit a nerve with Chyna, and she low blowed his transport."  
  
X-Pac blinked. "Are you meaning to tell me she punched an innocent camel in the balls?"  
  
"That is exactly what I am saying." Said Kitty straight fowardly. "Don't be so surprised, if she'll put her fists near your crotch, she'll put them near anyone's."  
  
"Yeah, I know that." X-Pac muttered. "Warrior bitch."  
  
"Oooh, big words!" Kitty retorted. "If she heard you say that…"  
  
"Don't you dare tell her I said that!" X-Pac had turned very pale, causing Chyna's sidekick much malicious glee at his terror. Suddenly, Road Dogg came staggering into view, a turban wrapped about his head which for some reason looked incredibly amusing. Kitty started giggling maniacally.  
  
"Shut up!" Road Dogg shrieked indignantly. "And let me on your camel!"  
  
"Get real." Kitty smirked. "I don't want you hugging me all the way…to wherever we're going."  
  
Road Dogg looked injured. "…I've heard that line before."  
  
Kitty looked inquisitive. "Did it come from X-Pac?"  
  
"Sick!" Road Dogg moaned. X-Pac made an attempt to bitch-slap Kitty from his camel, but it was entirely futile, his green ass sliding from the saddle, his scrawny arms flailing as he fell flat on his face in the scorching hot sand. He wailed and leapt to his feet in anguish, but he was dangerously near Kitty's boot, and with an evil giggle she kicked him in the back of the head, sending him smacking into the sand again.  
  
"What was that for?!" He demanded, struggling up from the ground. Kitty looked thoughtful.  
  
"Well, for almost making us a snack for cannibals, nearly drowning us in mud and generally being a little pain in the ass this entire experience."  
  
"Oh." Said the Little Green D-Generate, shaking sand from his hair. "That's okay then."  
  
"That camel is mine!" Road Dogg interjected, leaping awkwardly towards the animal and heaving himself onto its back. X-Pac pouted.  
  
"No way man! It's mine!" And he sprung, much like he sprung on the dark day he had battled with the pirouetting Hunter, except with less grace, towards the disturbed beastie. He collided into the Dogg and they both fought most hardily for this camel, kicking, screaming, biting and bitch-slapping, and quite amazingly keeping balance on its hump as they did so. Kitty quietly reminded them they weren't women, but it was far too late for that, as the camel felt fairly violated at this point, and rather indecently flung the two ex-D-Generates off its back as it shambled off towards freedom, and probably death.  
  
"Aw fuck." Road Dogg moaned. "I hurt my ass."  
  
"Hahaha!" X-Pac laughed. "You sound like Billy."  
  
There was no way X-Pac could escape the punch to the back of the head.  
  
***  
  
Speaking of Mr. Ass…  
  
Billy Gunn flaunted about Road Dogg's ready room, giggling to himself and flexing as his feather boa fluttered gracefully about his bright yellow cloak and hideous Badd Ass shorts. Aysa was watching this display in disgust, amazingly she was in her regular attire this day, although Kane did have a rather nasty struggle trying to wrest his garments from her once they had both sobered up after Aysa's nasty tumble down Mt. Sexy Boy. Aysa was more upset about missing out on her free turnip more than anything else.  
  
"When are you going to go away?" Kane demanded as he walked into the room with a plate of pretzels. Aysa lunged at the salty snacks, gripping at the plate with a hungry, WCW Troglodyte glint in her dark little eyes, and Kane looked a little upset at the loss of them. But Aysa was mighty and fierce and drunk like usual, and she paid no head as she crunched upon them.  
  
"Don't you get it!" Billy pouted. "I'm not going away. Your little scrawny friend gave me these lands!"  
  
"For the last time, he didn't!" Kane pouted right back, his hands on his hips.  
  
"He so did!" Billy shrieked.  
  
"He SO didn't!" Kane countered.  
  
"Ah, shaddup." Aysa gurgled through a mouthful of Budweiser. "You two bitches better get this place cleaned up by the time the Legion of Drunks 2000 gets here, or I'll beat ya sugar bloated testes to a pulp."  
  
"Is that a new breakfast cereal?" Billy asked curiously.  
  
"No, I'm not putting up with Steve Austin again, woman!" Kane groaned, clutching at his forehead.  
  
"You will, and you'll like it." Aysa snarled, grabbing Kane by the tunic and shaking him. "AND you'll wear the apron!"  
  
"Why does HE get to wear the apron?" Billy whined as Aysa pulled out the pink frilly garment. Kane shot him a very irked look, before turning back to the pseudo dominatrix whom was threatening him. Why, oh why he had brought her back with him, he'd never know; perhaps she looked half decent in an alcoholic stupor.  
  
"I can't take this anymore!" Kane groaned, fighting the strange urge to give Aysa a low-blow. He turned on his heel and made towards the door, which quickly became a jog when he realised that Aysa was giving chase. Billy watched him go, before realizing that within a few moments he'd be left all alone with the angry dominya. He leapt to his feet.  
  
"Wait!" Billy cried dramatically. "You can't leave me with Aysa! Aysa is a GIRL!" He watched her muscular ass as she hopped up and down in Neanderthal rage. "Well, at least I think."  
  
Kane groaned. Perhaps he could go down to the docks and catch a barge to Egypt, he could really use some work on his tan. Besides, how dare X-Pac and Road Dogg run off on their little holiday and not invite him, sending a crappy post-parchment with a picture of a pyramid on it which read 'wish you were here'. Not to mention Chyna's P.S at the bottom of the card: 'P.S: I kind of just dumped Hunter off at the dock. Can you go and feed him once a week? Ta!' The nerve!  
  
"Wait for me!" Billy wailed as he sprinted after the Big Red Machine. "She's scary. Can I come with you?"  
  
Kane turned back and looked at the muscular blond rip off of the Warrior Princess. "It's your fault I didn't get to go on a summer holiday!" Kane squealed, trying not to cry. Things always went from bad to worse. "I am SO leaving!" Suddenly, he clasped his gloved hand over his mouth. "That was SO bitchy!"  
  
"You go girl!" Billy sniggered. Kane spun on him like a bat out of hell and laid him out with a chokeslam which was just screaming pent up tensions. Billy struggled helplessly at Kane's feet, looking up and blowing a strand of permed blond hair from his face.  
  
"Does this mean I can't come with you?"  
  
***  
  
"Aha!" Chyna cried triumphantly, as she looked down at Jericho's tracks in the sand. "I knew it! I knew it! He's heading towards the Pyramids, the little bastard. I have him!"  
  
"Woo." Road Dogg said painfully as he dragged himself up the sand dune, X- Pac following pathetically. Kitty smirked as she rode behind them on her camel, before putting on her sweet, wide eyed and innocent face for the benefit of Chyna.  
  
"Oh, Chy-NA!" She whined out. "That's so great!"  
  
"Oh Chy-NA, I'm such a complete and utter suck!" Road Dogg mocked with a certain amount of glee. The Warrior Princess turned on him.  
  
"I'm aware of that." She said coolly. Kitty's jaw dropped at X-Pac began to laugh hysterically. "What, do you think I'm an idiot or something? Of course she's a suck!"  
  
"Chyna, how could you possibly say such a thing?" Kitty demanded, crossing her arms. "After everything we've been through together!"  
  
"Yeah, who could forget the time you got her crushed to death by a big tub of man-goo?" X-Pac said flatly. Kitty glared.  
  
"That WAS your fault too!"  
  
"Surrrrre." X-Pac retorted. "As I recall, I'm the one who threw myself out of the damn way!"  
  
"He's got a point." Road Dogg added. Kitty turned and glared at him.  
  
"YOU stay out of this."  
  
Chyna had had enough. Striding forward, she caught Kitty by the hair and pulled her away from the two D-Generates, squealing all the way, not before threatening X-Pac and Road Dogg with a very suggestive thrust of her forearm, which silenced them instantly. "Play nice." Came out in a particularly vicious growl.  
  
"But Chy-NA…" Kitty mumbled.  
  
"Be quiet!" Chyna ordered. "I wouldn't be standing here right now if you and twiggie hadn't completely fucked up my vengeful little plans. Now stand there, and if you open your mouth one more time, I'll…"  
  
Chyna stopped dead. Her eyes darting rather dangerously, X-Pac and Road Dogg immediately covered their crotches and sped behind Kitty; however, Chyna strode directly past them towards what appeared to be a wooden sign stuck in the sand. Chyna gaped at it for a moment. "Holy fucking H.B.K."  
  
"What?" Kitty asked, still fuming.  
  
"Everybody stay absolutely…still." Chyna said, looking particularly frightful. X-Pac peered at the sign.  
  
"Danger…Sandworms?" He read. "Chyna…what's a Sandworm?"  
  
"Sandworms?!" Road Dogg spat. "Sandworms?! Sandworms?! We're all gonna die!" He frantically began to jog; Chyna intervened and floored him with a quick yank to the hair.  
  
"You utter fuck-wit." Chyna muttered in disdain. "What are you trying to do, attract them?!"  
  
"Well…I think you've attracted something…" Said X-Pac, pointing in the distance, where a large travelling lump of sand was hurtling towards the four Grecians; Road Dogg's eyes were as wide as saucers as he observed this, and his lip began to quibble.  
  
Chyna pulled out her sword, noting that there was still a smell of cheap wine, Budweisers and ancient weed attached to it from her epic battle with Syxx, and upon looking closer she found a small chunk of turnip attached from her celebratory party, where she almost made the Rock cry with the theft of his vegetable followed by a vicious nipple twister. Happy times. Happy times.  
  
"Don't move a god damn freaking muscle." Chyna warned, as the Sandworm barreled towards her. Kitty was still pouting with her arms crossed when Chyna was sent hurtling across the sand dune, and even still when the Sandworm reared its enormous ugly head and leapt over her like Free Willy. By this point hysteria have overtaken both X-Pac and Road Dogg and they were hugging for comfort. Kitty turned with a superior look.  
  
"Ha! X-Pac, you WERE the one that Road Dogg turned down for that hug!"  
  
"The…the Sandworms…" X-Pac whispered in horror.  
  
"Not the time for…this conversation…" Moaned Road Dogg shakily.  
  
Chyna crawled to her feet, the sand getting stuck in her leather unmentionables and making life a miserable, chaffing hell. Noting that her sword had been flung about three feet away from her, she flung her brick shit-house of a body forwards towards it, and grabbing it, she turned to the lovely sight of several more worms sliding into view. She spun and looked at Road Dogg and X-Pac in each other's embrace. "Don't just stand there! Fucking do something!"  
  
"Oh yeah, ask THEM to do something." Kitty said in a tone she usually reserved for X-Pac. "It's not like I can help or anything, just ignore me! I'm going to remember this day, Chy-NA, I'm going to remember every moment of it and…"  
  
Chyna spat a curse, pulled out her Chakram and sent it hurtling into Kitty's head, knocking her cold and catching it. She didn't bother trying to hide her smile.  
  
"Bitchin'!" Said Road Dogg enthusiastically.  
  
"Fucking do something or you'll be next!" Chyna growled, throwing herself out of the path of another severely pissed off Sandworm. Road Dogg considered this, and releasing his second in command, he leapt into action.  
  
"Hey! Over here! Yeah!" Road Dogg yelled, leaping up and down. "Get over here, I'm always kickin' that shiznit DAWGEE style! Yeah! Yeah! Over here!" Sure enough, the worms changed direction and made a hasty path towards the soon to be Road Kill Jesse Jammes.  
  
"Hey, nice plan!" Said X-Pac, sticking his thumbs into the air. "What's the next part of it?"  
  
"I haven't thought of that yet!" Road Dogg wailed; X-Pac looked rather alarmed as the D-O-double-G was collected by a Sandworm, screaming like a girl the whole way.  
  
"Ooh." X-Pac commented on the situation, before pulling his sword from his scabby looking scabbard and charging into battle. He threw himself towards Road Dogg and grabbed his ankle, but being so scrawny, it did nothing to slow the thing down. "Argh! Chyna! Help!"  
  
"Use your sword!" Chyna ordered, as another Sandworm dived over her. X-Pac struggled about feebly, and raising his arm, he bought the sword crashing down.  
  
"OW!!!" He heard Road Dogg shriek. "You smacked the D-O-double-G in the head!"  
  
"Whoops." X-Pac said, and sent the sword slashing forward again. This time he struck the Sandworm, slicing it in half and sending the pair of D- Generates flying clear. Landing on the ground with a hefty 'WHUMP', they were quickly splattered with the remains of their aggressor.  
  
"That's one down." Chyna muttered, sprinting past Kitty laid out in the sand and flinging her Chakram towards another; it struck it, sending pieces of worm raining all over Road Dogg and X-Pac for a second time. "That's two."  
  
There was no three; apparently, their offence had been enough to freak the things out. X-Pac struggled in vain to get the splattered invertebrate out of his hair, and quite grimly Chyna noted, at that point he had hit a Hunter level of pathetic. Road Dogg was sitting on the ground despondently; within the past couple of days he had been covered in mud, dead cow, flour and smushed worm. Chyna tried to her hardest to feel pity; but it was futile, she found the entire situation pretty funny.  
  
"Fucking Jericho made these tracks through the Sandworm pits, didn't he?" Road Dogg muttered. "The son of a bitch never stepped a foot near them."  
  
"Nope." Said Chyna, indicating Jericho's real tracks, which happened to walk the long way around the area. "But now we do have a clear path to follow."  
  
"Do we?!" X-Pac demanded. "Do we really? Gods knows what else will jump out at us!"  
  
"As long as we follow Jericho's REAL tracks, we'll be fine." Said Chyna knowingly. "I mean…would he really walk through something even remotely dangerous?"  
  
"Oh yeah!" X-Pac looked satisfied, as Chyna strode towards Kitty, hitched her over her shoulder and dumped her on the camel. Road Dogg approached.  
  
"D'ya think she's been possessed by the Undertaker again or something?"  
  
"Nah." Chyna replied. "This is how she always is. She just acts nice when we have company."  
  
X-Pac's eyes widened. "If she's been acting nice to me all this time, I'd hate to see her acting mean."  
  
"You don't have to worry about that." Chyna smiled darkly, showing a row of teeth. "You're not worth the acting."  
  
***  
  
Billy strolled onto the Cairo dock, Kane following with the post-parchment being held very tightly in a clinched fist. The Lord of Ass was looking overly enthusiastic, but thank the gods had lost the feather boa, Kane had assured that when he wrenched it from his neck and cast it into the ocean. The intent had actually been to have the boa still connected to Billy before it was flung into the sea, but you can't win them all. Although Kane regretted it deeply, as Billy Gunn was the most enormous pain in the ass of the Ancient World, and he was learning this sad fact first hand.  
  
"How about we partake in a little shopping?" Said Billy rather girlishly. Kane rolled his eyes.  
  
"No." He said simply. "I'm going to find Chyna, Kitty, X-Pac and Road Dogg."  
  
"Hello, earth to Kane, this is a holiday!" Billy sighed. "The idea is to leave all that crap behind!"  
  
"It obviously isn't working then, because you're here!" Kane snapped, before covering his mouth again. "Damn, that was bitchy. I really have to stop this. I blame you."  
  
"No way, you were always a total biatch!"  
  
"I was not." Kane insisted.  
  
"C'mon, skewering Taker on a tree was like, so catty."  
  
"I don't have to stand here listening to this." Muttered Kane. "Your chronic bitchiness is rubbing off on me. I'm a machine dammit! I'm a monster! And I refuse to be a bitchy one!"  
  
"Too late there, girlfriend." Billy said rather evilly, flexing his muscles in pride. Kane had had enough. The tombstone piledriver was a long time in coming, and wasn't a moment too soon. Billy lolled about rather gracefully on the ground, clutching his cranium; Kane walked away, feeling his forehead.  
  
"I'm a monster…I'm a monster…I'm a monster…"  
  
***  
  
Chyna scowled as she rode towards the largest pyramid, which was undeniably phallic in its shape, and noted with a small twinge of distaste that Jericho's foot prints led directly into the dodgy looking structure. X-Pac and Road Dogg staggered after her. Kitty still had not awoken from the nasty Chakram shot, and there was a debate as to whether the remainder of the party actually should wake her. A landslide vote pointed to no.  
  
"Trust Jericho to pick this one." Chyna muttered. X-Pac raised an eyebrow.  
  
"So size does matter."  
  
"Do you think he's trying to compensate for something?" Road Dogg suggested, eyeing the sheer size of the structure. Chyna spun on them both like a bat outta hell.  
  
"Enough with the fucking innuendo jokes, damn you!"  
  
"But Chy-NA…" X-Pac whined out; when he caught sight of Chyna's facial expression, he shut his mouth immediately. The Warrior Princess dismounted her camel, strode over to Kitty and pulled her off hers, sending her smacking into the sand; kicking her slightly with the toe of her boot, she awaited Kitty's awakening – it didn't happen.  
  
"Oh hell." Chyna muttered. X-Pac sauntered up and peered down at Chyna's unconscious sidekick.  
  
"Well, think of it this way, she won't make another bitchy comment this whole trip!"  
  
"And will YOU be carrying her?" Chyna sighed, feeling her forehead. No response came. "I thought so." Muttering little curses, Chyna heaved Kitty's limp form from off the ground and dumped her over her shoulder. "Alright, let's go and whoop some pretty boy ass."  
  
They stepped into the darkened temple, Chyna struggling to grab a torch from the wall and hold Kitty steady all at the same time. Conceding defeat, she eventually just dumped Kitty on her ass, grabbed the torch, and thrust it into the hand of Road Dogg.  
  
"Lead the way." Chyna ordered flatly, tossing Kitty over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes.  
  
"Me?" Road Dogg said meekly. "But Chy-NA, it looks scary down there."  
  
"I knocked her out for a reason." Chyna stated. "You keep it up with the Chy-NA's and I will severely restrict the flow of future Road Dogg's for years to come." With her free hand she flexed her hand a couple of times to emphasize her meaning. "Now move."  
  
Road Dogg didn't need to be told twice; grabbing X-Pac by the thin wrist, he shoved the torch in his grasp and then shoved him forward into the darkened passage. Chyna shrugged, and followed, Kitty still firmly in tow. Deeper and deeper into the vaults they wandered, X-Pac lighting the way for Chyna to follow Jericho's tracks, her jaw sticking further and further out in diabolical glee as she realized that soon, soon she would be able to wrench his blond haired pin head about, much like D'Lo Brown, and with a quick feeling of regret she wished she had brought some toasting forks along for the occasion. The look of a hapless weed being poked inhumanely up the ass with a toasting fork was one of pure beauty, and she smiled at the visual in her mind.  
  
"Chy…na, the torch is starting to go out!" X-Pac exclaimed. Chyna groaned.  
  
"Oh for the love of HBK, which is an utter lie and just a figure of speech." Chyna strode forward, snatching the torch from X-Pac and flicking him in the head. "I've just about had it with you. You've done your big part for humanity. It would be very easy to kill you right about now."  
  
"But it's not my fault!" X-Pac shrieked.  
  
"I know that." Chyna replied coolly. "I have a big sword and PMS. Whether it's your fault or not is totally irrelevant."  
  
"I'm beginning to realize why Hunter went bad." Muttered Road Dogg.  
  
***  
  
Kane looked at the tourist brochure hard before deciding that the Sandworm Pits might not be the best place to do some sightseeing, despite the fact he had tried very hard to lure Billy Gunn into them, without much avail. Upon further review of the situation, the fact that the native Egyptian invertebrates were splattered all over the place and the whole area smelled suspiciously like the party Chyna had held after she laid the smackdown on Syxx, he figured Chyna's sword was what had so brutally hacked these beasties to pieces. He wrinkled his nose in distaste; that sword smelt like a damn bar room whore, why couldn't she polish it like a normal person?  
  
"Like, eww." Said Billy gayly. "That's so disgusting. Ooh, looky here, that pyramid is so LARGE…and so very interestingly shaped…"  
  
Kane opened his mouth to shoot something bitchy, before he closed it, took several deep breaths and began counting to ten. He could kick this habit! Opening one eye, he noted rather hastily that that pyramid WAS oozing innuendo. Aysa would have been impressed.  
  
"I'm sleepy now." Kane informed, as an excuse not to go anywhere near the thing. The way Billy's eyes were as round as saucers and the thin trail of drool creeping down his chin were kind of pointers that he should try and avoid Mr. Ass for the rest of this…experience. "Night."  
  
"You big wuss!" Billy squealed. Kane flipped him off and settled down on the sand, not realizing how very tired he really was. Feeling slightly uncomfortable on the ground, he rose, strode towards Billy and wrenched the hideous yellow cloak from his shoulders, shoving him over in the process. Settling down once again, with the horrendous garment wrapped around him, he snuggled into a nearby rock. "Night." He repeated.  
  
Billy clutched his ass in shock. "That was just so bitchy!"  
  
"Ah, be quiet you piece of blond fluff." Kane retorted, before clasping his hand over his mouth yet again.  
  
***  
  
Chyna's boot came forcefully hurtling through the golden doors of the tomb, the final spark of the torch going out as she charged into the small, lit up room. Dumping Kitty on the floor, she strode forward, pulling out her sword and growling, her chin sticking out like a viola. Road Dogg and X-Pac scuttled in after the fierce woman whom now was making rather vicious eyes at Jericho, who just happened to be standing before her in a state of shock, a large bag of stolen and rather phallic looking goods on his back.  
  
"Chyna?" Jericho whimpered. "Oh come on! There is just no WAY you could have survived these Sandworms! I've been feeding them a ration of a yogurt a day just getting them ready to disembowel you!"  
  
"That's inhuman!" Road Dogg quipped.  
  
"Your worms were crappy." Chyna said flatly.  
  
"Well what about your little friend over there?" Jericho demanded, making eyes at Kitty. "She looks dead. Dead!"  
  
"Nah, she's just really tired."  
  
Jericho looked rather scared. "Well Chyna, I must say it's been lovely seeing you."  
  
Chyna debated over being silent, before replying. "You know, I feel almost the same way." She cracked her knuckles. "Alright, that feeling is over now. Come here and allow me to rip your head off."  
  
Jericho shrieked and tried to run, but Chyna caught a great handful of his wonderful, wonderful hair and sent him slamming into the dusty floor of the tomb. He hacked piteously as Chyna mused.  
  
"Now, where exactly were we last time, before we were so rudely interrupted?" Quickly remembering, Chyna placed her foot on his head. "Oh yes."  
  
"I think she needs to work on anger management." X-Pac commented as Chyna leapt upon Jericho and started pummeling him viciously. His head cajoled off the hard floor, powered by Chyna's mighty, mighty forearm, and Chrissy screamed like a girl as he was assaulted by the mighty princess, forged in the heat of low-blows.  
  
"Ah…Chyna?" X-Pac said, waving his arm about.  
  
"Not now." Chyna snapped as she wrenched at Jericho's eyebrows furiously.  
  
"But…I really think this is kinda important." Road Dogg said nervously.  
  
"Be quiet!" Chyna snarled, looking up at the two D-Generates and not really noticing Trish Stratuspatra creeping up from behind until she bashed her across the head with a vase, and a vase which was a very dodgy shape at that. Chyna turned around with a very nasty glare in her stare. "OW!"  
  
"Damn these Sable impersonators!" Said X-Pac, shaking his scrawny arm. Trish stared blankly at him. "Whatever." He shrugged. Chyna struggled to her feet, and she looked pissed, more pissed than Road Dogg and X-Pac had seen her look in a while...well, not for about fifteen minutes anyway. Still, it was kinda freaky.  
  
"For fucks sake!" Chyna lamented, planting her sword in the ground. "Throw me a frikkin' bone here! It's not like I don't work hard! It's not like I haven't been flung into mud by dead men, and almost impaled by pissed off she-males, or flattened to death by the morbidly obese, or fucking delivered the spawn of darkness with very little help from anyone…" At this point her eyes searched out Kitty, laid out on the floor. "It's not like I have to put up with the most whiniest obnoxious demanding suck on the face of the planet every single day just to make humanity's life just that bit more god damn cushy! Don't I deserve just this one little bit of joy in my life?! Don't I deserve to cut. Jericho. Into. Teeny. Weeny. Little. Pieces?!" Each word was accompinied by a slash from her sword as she ranted and raved and used curse words so filthy that they even shocked Stratuspatra. Gasping for air as she finished her spiel, she eyed everyone viciously. "Well?!"  
  
"Oh grow up." Trish pouted. "Honestly, you're such a drama queen."  
  
That did it. An insult usually only reserved for Billy Gunn had just been hurled at Chyna, and all sensed the danger; Chyna lunged, grabbed Trish by the hair and started shaking her head, bitch-slapping and eye gouging with all evidence she was a mighty warrior gone in about 12.5 seconds. In the making was truly the cat-fight of the millenium…  
  
***  
  
Kane awoke, feeling the disturbance in the forces of nature radiating from the Tombs of Stratuspatra. Shrugging, he wrapped himself more firmly in the yellow cloak. "Trippy."  
  
***  
  
Trish Stratuspatra seemed to be gaining the upper hand, Jericho dancing about and giggling happily as Trish mercilessly smacked Chyna about the head with open palmed strikes of fury. Chyna grunted and heaved herself forwards, sending Trish flying across the room and bashing rather unceremoniously into the wall. She slid down rather haplessly, her fall fortunately being broken by her heaving chest, and she struggled to her feet, snarling.  
  
"You will not have him, Chyna!" She spat like a rabid wolverine on heat. "You fool! You have no concept of what you're doing! Chris Jericho cannot die…he cannot die for he is our…" She paused for dramatic effect. " Messiah! Harbinger of the Infinite Love!"  
  
"And I'm the testicle that Nicole Bassius had removed at birth." Chyna replied flatly.  
  
"It's true!" Trish hissed. "See your vision once more Chyna! See your vision of the future!"  
  
Chyna squealed loudly; her vision, which it seemed was the result of cheap swill and fighting in virtual stoned oblivion returned to her. Nailed to a crucifix, in the snow, in her underwear no less, she noted that she looked pretty damn pissed off. Turning rather painfully to the side, she realized that Kitty was hanging on a cross to the right of her. Great. She had to spend her last moments on this paltry planet with Kitty, just like the last time. Was there no justice? Scowling, she noticed Kitty was gazing at her in a very strange way, and seemed to be struggling to say something through pain, fatigue and snow flakes.  
  
"I love YOU, Chy-NA." She whined out. Chyna screamed. She screamed and screamed and screamed. Infinite love her leather covered ass.  
  
***  
  
"Ooh, what's wrong with Chyna?" Billy inquired, as he strolled in the tombs. The battle was well and truly over, Chyna had simply lost the will to fight after the 'incident', Jericho and Stratuspatra well, well gone by this point. She was lying on the floor, clutching at her head, and looked quite a fright indeed. Jericho had just pulled off the biggest heist in Egyptian history, leaving with everything of value from the tombs of Stratuspatra, gifts to the Messiah from a blond bimbo, oh the humanity. Mr. Ass crossed his arms and tsk tsk'ed. "Oh, she is such a drama queen."  
  
Road Dogg and X-Pac both looked expectantly at Chyna, their eyes glimmering with hope as they awaited the mandatory low-blow. But none came, none came. It was a dark day indeed.  
  
X-Pac swiped at a tear. "It's so sad."  
  
Road Dogg sniffled. "She's lost the will…to low-blow."  
  
And they both fell into each other's embrace, sobbing very, very loudly at the situation. It was exactly at this point that Kitty shuddered, yawned and finally woke up. She looked as fresh as a daisy, and for the first time since Chyna had fallen, clutching at her head, she spoke.  
  
"Kitty, when did you really come back into consciousness?"  
  
"About twenty minutes after you so rudely smacked me in the head."  
  
"I thought as much." She replied grimly. "You can be a real bitch, you know that?"  
  
"I told you I'd get you back."  
  
"I think you've gotten me back enough for one day." Chyna said very regrettably, heaving herself out of the dirt, turning around and smashing Billy up the ass with a hellbent low-blow, all without the bat of an eyelid. X-Pac and Road Dogg looked at each other, and giggled in joy.  
  
"She's back!"  
  
***  
  
Chyna hadn't lost anytime in becoming herself again; wrenching Billy by his blond perm, she stomped purposely out of the Tombs of Stratuspatra, enjoying her victims pitiful struggling against her mighty muscles and nasty grip. Kane was still sleeping when they reached the outside world, all snuggled up in Billy's repulsive yellow cloak, and snoring quietly. Chyna gaped.  
  
"Has he been out here the WHOLE time?!" She demanded, staring at the Big Red Machine on the ground. Kitty pouted and crossed her arms as Chyna kicked at her half brother at the ground. "Where the hell were you!? Jericho fucking got away!"  
  
Kane sleepily opened one eye. "Damn, I knew it was either gonna be that or you kicking it again." Kane turned his back on Chyna and tried to get back to sleep.  
  
"Kane!" Kitty said in her well perfected whine. "Lazy, lazy, lazy!"  
  
"And bitchy, bitchy, bitchy." Billy added. Kane grunted and sat up.  
  
"Bitchy?" Said X-Pac in confusion. "C'mon man, you're the only bitch standing here!"  
  
"Yeah, don't try to take the attention of yourself!" Road Dogg reprimanded.  
  
Kane got up sluggishly, scratching his ear and enjoying Billy getting the rap he deserved. Chyna sighed, but didn't make any move to stop Kane chokeslamming Billy as hard as he possibly could into the sand. Tell the truth, she really enjoyed watching him get nailed and secretly wished she had some popcorn. She sighed, pulling out her sword and planting it into the earth; she looked at Kane.  
  
"Too bad about the vision and everything." He said. "Really scared me even."  
  
"You SAW my vision?" Chyna snapped. "And you still didn't get up?!"  
  
Kane shrugged. "She really whined it out, didn't she?"  
  
"I don't need your analysis of my situation, you lazy bastard."  
  
Kane smiled. He liked that title a lot more than 'bitch'. Chyna continued.  
  
"Well as I see it, I have three options here."  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"One, kill myself." Chyna's jaw clenched. "Two, kill Kitty."  
  
"And three?" Kane inquired.  
  
"Three…kill everyone in the whole fucking world."  
  
Kane shrugged. "Well, whatever."  
  
***  
  
Back on the barge to Greece, Chyna sat alone on the deck. X-Pac had finally taken too much abuse and had bitch-slapped Kitty, and as far as she knew she was still pretending to be unconscious. She liked it. Hanging out with Kitty and getting peace and quiet. She sat silently, half wishing her sidekick would stay asleep and half wishing she would get up and make some of these little dumplings with the red stuff in them, before doing something she had never done before; she was going to pray.  
  
"You know I don't believe in praying, pretty boy." She scowled at the heavens. "Just as much as I believe that my left foot would make a fucking better King of the Gods that you do. Still, I need some guidance…is killing the Messiah in order to stop some totally heinous infinite love from Kitty the wrong thing to do?"  
  
Chyna hadn't expected a reply, especially in a beam of special effects. "Do you have any idea how much business I'm gonna lose if you don't do in the fucking Messiah?!"  
  
"Never thought of that." Chyna mused. "Well, what do you expect, where the hell is your infinite love?"  
  
"Well, where the hell is yours?"  
  
"Touché."  
  
"Just do me a favor and knock off the Messiah. Kay?" The beam of light said, before vanishing off the deck of the ship. Chyna scrunched her face up like a cabbage, not entirely satisfied with her experience, and in an epitome of indifference decided to settle back and catch some sleep. She had just drifted off when she awoke, instinctively knowing that Kane and Billy were having an epic cat fight to the level of her and Trish's tussle. Shaking off the disturbance in the forces of nature emanating from below the deck, she rolled over on her side.  
  
"Trippy."  
  
The End. 


End file.
